Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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