I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
