Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
