shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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