i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
