I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
