I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
