i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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