You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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