Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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