Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
