I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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