you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
