she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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