John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
