He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
