I'm lost and stupid without you.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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