Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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