You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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