it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
