I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
