Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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