didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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