1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
