Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think people are normalizing furries
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize