I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
