Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
