my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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