I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
