I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize