Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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