1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Jerry, you need to find god
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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