My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
