Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
