I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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