Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
