I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
