No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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