dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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