i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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