Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
and you fell through a lawn chair
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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