i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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