I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
We smell like vodka and hangover
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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