Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
