I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize