There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
