I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
