I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
