so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
zippers are such a cool invention
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
