I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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