I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize