The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize