I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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