dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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