I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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