Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
