I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
