does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
