He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
