the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
