I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
