at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
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