I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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