The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
