Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
