Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I wear drunk well.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
